Challenges & Conversations (04/19/16)

Churches understand that they don't "own" people.  For most, membership is not a lifetime commitment at one location.  That's okay!  If the time comes that you decide to withdraw membership and move on, would you depart tactfully and with integrity?  When you just get up one Sunday and start going somewhere else, that doesn't speak well of you.  It makes it look as if the people you're leaving behind don't matter. While you're excited as you adjust to your new church, remember that those you blew off at the old church are grieving.  They miss you!  You didn't give them a chance to pray over you, bless you and say good bye.  That doesn't seem right, does it?

How to Leave a Church (Part 5)

Final post in this series.

I'm not suggesting you should leave or that you must leave. The simple reality is that some people are not happy where they are. In an ideal world, people could be convinced it's not about their happiness. There are so many factors more important than that. But this is not an ideal world.

If you cannot be persuaded to stay, please go about leaving in an open, strategic, and honorable manner. What's with all the sneaking around? Why can't we relocate people peacefully? When this doesn't happen, there is fallout all around. No one wins.

Whatever you do, don't just stop coming. Talk to the pastor. Give people an opportunity to have closure. Failure to do so is selfishness.

How to Leave a Church (Part 4)

Let's get into some of the nitty gritty. Exactly how should you go about leaving a church?

Resolve conflict biblically and peacefully. Matthew chapter 18 shows us how to do this. Resolving your conflict may or may not affect your final decision. That isn't the point. The point is that conflict cannot be put on the back shelf as if it doesn't exist. If you refuse to deal with conflict at your current church, I promise you it will show up at your next church. It's only a matter of time.

Your current pastor wants to be able to tell your new pastor that you're healthy and that you're going to be an asset to his congregation. (Pastors often request a letter of recommendation from the parishioner's previous pastor.) Resolving conflict biblically and peacefully will benefit everyone involved -- you, your previous pastor and church, your new pastor and church.

How to Leave a Church (Part 3)

Let's get into some of the nitty gritty.

Exactly how should you go about leaving a church? Show maturity. What does that mean?

1. Be honest about the real reasons you are leaving. Don't hide behind surface reasons. (The number one surface reason I've heard: "I'm just not getting fed.") Don't use convenient lines such as "I feel it is God's will at this time." Truthfully, if you're not leaving because of a job transfer then there's a good chance you're leaving because of conflict. Acknowledge it. Do everything humanly possible to be at peace with everyone. Make leaving an absolute last resort, not a first response.
2. Meet with the pastor. Explain your situation and how you're feeling. Tell the pastor why you're leaving. He will probably try to talk you into staying. Then you will probably tell him politely, "No thanks," since you've made up your mind. Don't just stop attending and bypass this uncomfortable conversation. That's rude and disrespectful to the pastor and the congregation. Let the pastor pray with you and for you. And you pray for him. In this meeting, you and the pastor should develop a mutually-agreed-upon plan concerning what you will both say to the congregation and to outsiders. (If you're the one leaving, I promise you it will be harder for you to uphold your end.)

How to Leave a Church (Part 2)

Ideally, we wouldn't even have to discuss this subject. So if we can't live in idealism, let's move to reality.

Reality: Occasionally, what you feel you need from a pastor changes. Reality: Occasionally, what you feel you need from a church changes. No pastor and no church can be all things to all people. No pastor and no church can keep everybody satisfied. Reality: When someone is not satisfied, that is the time leaving is most likely to happen.

What do you do when you begin to feel dissatisfied? I'm going to assume you've prayed for your pastor. I'm going to assume you've prayed for your church. I'm going to assume you've offered to insert yourself as a solution so you don't have to relocate. Relocation should be the last resort, not the quick escape. Reality: Far too many people leave churches because they can, not because they're supposed to.

The big question, should you exhaust all other options and leaving is the only option left, is this: How can you leave properly?

How to Leave a Church (Part 1)

Please suspend judgment on this until after you've read all five parts. Thanks.

This quote has to do with staff members who leave a church. I think there are good applications for anyone thinking about leaving a church.

"Finishing well means telling your supervisor when you sense restlessness creeping in.... It means that when you begin to feel frustrated in your role here, you invite your boss into the situation.

Finishing well means that if you secure employment arrangements with another organization, you stick with this organization until it is appropriate to go. You engage with your boss in crafting a reasonable transition plan so you don't leave a gaping hole during a very critical season. You help explain to the organization why you're leaving in constructive terms so that confusion and bad stories won't emerge, which would wound those of us left in your wake. You invite your colleagues who have grown to love and respect you to honor you adequately! And you insist on working diligently until the final sixty seconds of your employment.

You do everything you can do to leave on a positive, life-giving note so that your legacy here is a God-glorifying one."

Hybels, Bill. Axiom: Powerful Leadership Proverbs. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2008. pp. 214-215.